As a constantly-horny-but-sexual-attractionless-human-being, “masturbation” has been my go-to for almost a decade to take care of my body’s needs. With a book/erotica or the lovely power of imagination (cue SpongeBob Rainbow Meme) I could satisfy the craving and move on with my life. Bipolar disorder and testosterone have upped the ante a bit, so nowadays my air pulse vibrator is almost a necessity for these “self-care” sessions, which is cool with me. My usage of porn as a stimulus has waxed and waned over time, but now that I am in a season of relative mental stability, with the capacity to have partners and relationships, porn has me pondering the question, do I want to have sex?
This isn’t about insecurity or questioning my asexual-spectrum identities—I am pretty clear and certain on those. But, as I’ve written about in my post about sexual attraction, arousal, and behavior, sexual attraction is not the same thing as sexual behavior, and you can engage in sexual behaviors without experiencing sexual attraction to the person(s) involved. In my case, I thought I was forever going to masturbate and only partake in sex to please a partner or to become pregnant (which is very, very, unlikely, but I haven’t removed that option completely off the table). I’ve never really had the innate desire to go search for a particular person to fuck, and I don’t think I do now either. I think it is more a question of curiosity…though curiosity killed the cat.
“Masturbation” for me is imagining sensations happening to my body to get off. Many a sensation I can impart upon myself, at times with the aid of sex toys. But there are some things that exist in my kinky little heart that can only be accomplished in partnership with other bodies. That doesn’t scare me, but safety does. I’m Black, neurodivergent, queer, and genderqueer—I can barely handle vanilla social situations, and now I want to seek out kinky ones? I don’t really have a friend or partner nearby to help me figure things out or attend play parties with. I’m incredibly afraid that my inexperience will cause me to hurt somebody. And then how do I go about finding the bodies I want to play with? Fat, trans(femmes), thiccc, disabled, BIPOC who actually want to be friends and are covid-conscious and use barrier protection methods? And is this all to build up some experiences in my memory bank so they can fuel my imagination for later sessions? Or do I actually want to develop sexual relationships? How do I find people who are willing to be patient as I figure this out?
Porn, and other audio/visual sexual media have become more than just sexual stimuli and turned into thought-provoking reflection pieces. As an aegosexual I have a hankering suspicion that all sexual encounters will become a turn off immediately after they begin. Though maybe voyeurism could be a happy medium between what I want and what I think I might want…which feels like a no. The demisexual part of me would like me to find the right people to make connections with before trying out all of my sexual fantasies, and seems to be a “yes” to the ” do I want to have sex?” question, but if and only if, the prerequisite conditions are met. So seems like we are at an impasse.
I don’t have any answers here, but this has been an ongoing journey of navigating my relationship to sex as an asexual-spectrum person. My only piece of advice to asexuals, and those who are questioning, is that regardless of your sexual behaviors or arousal, it is attraction (the degree or lack thereof) that defines your asexuality. You are not less asexual for being curious about sex, or more asexual because the thought never crosses your mind. You’re ace enough however you experience asexuality. Don’t let anyone take that away from you, including your intrusive thoughts.
protect your peace bbs. 💜💜💜 (three purple heart emojis)
thoughts on unmothering, anger, frustration, disability, familiarity, boundaries, sharing (information), intimacy, and family (lol)
cw: SA mention
I’ve got a headache because I’ve barely slept in 48 hours and am off food and meds schedule. I don’t know where my metformin is. but it’s okay, we gon do with what we got.
for very many days I have been trying to manage frustration and anger with gratefulness and appreciation. I did not expect graduation celebrations to go down like this. within a few hours of being alone on a plane chock full of (mostly) unmasked strangers, I have been (slowly) dissipating the anger and getting to a place of clarity. I’m not completely there yet (imma need a helluva more time than four hours) but lucky for me I’m on a 15 hour flight to another continent 😎 (smiling with sunglasses emoji) so time we do have.
My mother and sister wanted to celebrate me, but what I’ve learned from this experience is that they are very very far from understanding me (and my people) and that there are huge gaps and understanding of what blood family should mean to each other.
and I’ve written a bit about blood family before, but in my eyes, being blood is not a full access pass to who I am or my life. connection to me is earned through trust, which we do not have with each other. not on my end.
I wanted a disability friendly gathering, and it didn’t happen. the details are important in sorting out our issues, but not relevant to the words I need to write out in this moment since I cannot vent about it to a trusted friend or partner, so they won’t be here. I know the effects of this on my people and I’m really sorry that happened to all of them.
I know my twin will say that I was lying, and I was lying to my mother in the car, but that lying is what keeps me safe. What my twin and my mother didn’t understand (and still don’t) is how important the way things need to be done for me, or my reasons why. Which I understand is also difficult for them to know because I am not open about sharing, but that’s because they have proven to me in the past (and also in this current situation!) THAT THEY ARE NOT FULLY LISTENING TO ME.
I’m going around in circles, so let’s start with the mother wound. I came across this concept in a class, Writing About Family, I took summer 2020 online with Professor BriAllen Hopper. I believe it was a queer Latina writer, Vanessa Mártir, whose work we read about unmothering. I know my mother loves us with all of her heart, I know life circumstances weren’t fair and my dad was an asshole, but truth is, she was not directly in my life for about 10 years (longer, if we think about queer time…ah, my not finished thesis). She moved from Philly when I was 7 or 8, and the last time I saw her in person was summer 2010. And the same things that was true when we saw her at graduation 2018 are true now. I understand that for her this was the first time she was seeking her kids again in so long. And she thought/thinks that because she gave birth to us and was there in our early years that she knows everything that there is to know about the foundations of who we are. but she missed out on formative experiences. there are 8+ years of things she has no idea about and will never know about unless she hears it directly from me. and this part of what I told her in the car today was true. the best way to understand me is to know the people I surround myself with and choose to be in community with. and I tried to do that the best way I knew how, by telling her about the two most important people to me at that time. And she wanted to reflect on the past and why had I never sent her a Mother’s Day card or why I didn’t include her in my graduation speech. And it all boils down to this fundamental misunderstanding: she thinks she already knows me, and I know she needs to get to know me. I saw our re-connection in 2018 as establishing a new relationship, and she saw it as continuing a relationship she already had. this will be very hard for her to hear one day but that relationship was dead by the time we reconnected at high school graduation. She was a literal stranger to me. She just happened to be a stranger that I had a blood connection with and because of that reason, I was willing to share so much more of myself than I typically would have. But she needs to understand that for me, that was the opportunity for a beginning, not a continuation of something.
I tried my best for two years with the skills I had at the time to share who I was and who my people were. I am a much more effective communicator now. I definitely could have done better. But by 2020 I realized that things were not compatible for me. So walls permanently went up as protection until I got to a place where things could be sorted through. And actually, now was not the time. I was not ready. But the stupid thing about being a queer gender-fluid person having to exist at the intersections of queer/trans/crip/AND straight time is that sometimes I have to do things according to the straight time world, like celebrate occasions like graduation with bio family. And so things were forced to happen at a time when I was not ready.
To get into some specifics that are not insignificant but also not central—disrespect came up on the last night we were together, and that also comes from how we see our relationship. My mother believes that because she gave birth to me she has a certain level of authority over me. And when I enter her space/her household, for sure. But in MY space??!! Fuck no lmfao. I have been managing my own money since I was 16 (younger than that really) and living on my own, paying my own bills, since I was 18. I had to mother my two siblings and other people’s kids since as young as 8. I literally got sat down at 8 by my aunt and told that because I was the oldest I had to be responsible for everyone. I’m doing homework help and making breakfast and dinner and remembering doctors appointments and making sure everyone’s clothes and medications and whatever else are in the duffel bag that we lug around from auntie’s house to stranger’s house because we slept in a different place every night because my father had no one to take care of us. We all grew up too fast, and that is the byproduct of growing up poor in a metropolitan area in an immigrant family in the U.S. I have been on call for mental health crises and have managed my health emergencies and continuing disability ON MY OWN. I have been sexually assaulted and provided support to other survivors (including my twin). I provide housing and food for trans people, I support unhoused folx. I’ve travelled internationally on my own. I’ve had to learn how to become an advocate for myself. I have been doing so much shit solo and AT MY BIG AGE nobody is telling me what I can and cannot walk outside wearing. No one can tell me how to wear my hair. No one can tell me it is unsafe for me to be walking around outside at midnight. If you don’t like the way I do things at my place, get out. You don’t have to be here. My mother told me we are more alike in ways I don’t even understand and that is not true. I actually know quite a lot about the ways we are like each other. But that does not mean she can order me around at my spot. That’s not how things will work. And so what she saw as disrespectful because I did not follow her wishes was only the tip of the iceberg. I could’ve said fuck outta here, but those words were nowhere on my lips (or on my mind) because i DO have respect for her.
Writing this part made me more agitated so going to try and decompress by watching something (though I wish I could be reading smut 😭😭😩)
I am no stranger to writing about sex online, but I have been feeling awfully limited about where I can write and post about sex-related topics since people in real life are now actually reading my shit. but I remembered that I created this space for me and my writing, so fuck whoever else comes across it (not literally though lol). that being said, if these are things you don’t want to know about me, don’t read. you have been notified.
I am demisexual and aegosexual. I generally don’t experience sexual attraction, but I do have a libido, and I can become aroused (kinda sorta) by sexual content such as erotica and “adult films.” I can develop sexual attraction to someone after connecting with them in a deep and intimate way, but just because we bond does not mean I will develop sexual attraction to you. In fact, my sexual attraction is pretty much non-existent. and so I happen to be one of those demisexuals whose lived experience is “asexual until I’m not.” I want to be clear though, that this is not the experience of all or even most demisexuals—being demisexual looks different for everyone, and there are hypersexual demisexuals, sexually eager demisexuals, etc. I am mostly indifferent towards sex, and my body isn’t really responsive to touch that doesn’t come from my vibrator (and even then, it needs some help). As a sex-positive ace I definitely believe that sex does not have to be centered solely on orgasm (it can be about play! among other things), but I would be lying if I said that sex wasn’t about orgasming for me. I engage in sex-related shit purely to get off, and if I am not able to orgasm I become extremely frustrated.
My goal is usually to get off so I can go to sleep, not gonna lie. Testosterone plus bipolar disorder equals constantly high libido, and my days are so stressful that I need something to wind me down. This is how I get my body to produce feel good chemicals. Masturbation usually takes care of all of my needs, and so I have never really wanted, desired, or sought out sexual relationships because there was no role a sexual partner/relationship could fulfill in my life that I couldn’t do myself. That being said, I am gay, and us queers do love to fuck our friends. so as a sex-indifferent, sex-ambivalent demi-aegosexual, I’ve always been down with whatever should the occasion arise.
However more recently, I have been doing some reflecting on my relationships and what I want out of them, especially after the passing of a dear friend back in February, someone who I had always wanted to hook up with but never did (and the desire was mutual). While I know for certain that I don’t want sex to be a part of my romantic relationships (which makes things kinda murky with my current “situationship,” as we haven’t really discussed sex, though I really prefer that he seek out sex through another partner or relationship, because I cannot consistently provide him what he wants, nor do I want to mix sex and romance/not-quite-romance, because they are very separate things to me), I have found myself desiring a sexual relationship of some sort. Part of this comes from my desire to explore kink more, and wanting a steady person who I trust and have rapport with to do so, and part of it is because sometimes I’d like a little bit of help reaching the climax. I think the aegosexual in me also might want to live out some of my fantasies (no, I will not tell you what those are).
While I am not aroallo, the issue with being aromantic and seeking out sex is that you get typecasted as shallow, coldhearted, flaky, and non-committal, who use people emotionally. I also feel a lot of pressure on my ace identity, because almost all 9 years that I have been identifying as on the asexual spectrum, I have been fighting to prove that I’m a “real” valid ace by projecting a sex-neutral (and at times, sex-negative or sex-repulsed) persona. So many people don’t believe asexuality is real, and that asexual and aromantic people aren’t a part of the queer community that I feel obligated to project “pure” aroaceness and defend how aroaceness is inherently queer. while Almost Aro Ace is a better descriptor for me, there are so few Black or African aces anywhere that I oversimplify who I am for the sake of visibility. This includes selecting or writing in “asexual” on forms or surveys that include a demographic question about sexuality to how and to whom I talk about sex and sexuality, especially when it comes to my personal life.
The conundrum about being asexual and wanting sexual relationships is that I have no desire to flirt or be sexually aggressive to find partners, because that’s not in my nature and that’s not how I approach sex. So dating apps aren’t really my thing. My capacity for attraction is always wavering pretty close to non-existent, but I am willing to engage in sexual activities even without sexual attraction. The thing is, I do not desire sex on any regular sort of basis. I’m also “sexually inexperienced,” which is pretty common in the queer community as not everyone has access to people or communities in which casual sex is an option, people come into their queerness at different points of their lives, etc. but that does not change the fact that hypersexuality seems to be the norm for my queer generation, and the most visible options are whyte people. I’m not looking to insert my sexual desires into allo systems of casual sex, but do wonder at the feasibility at building the kinds of relationships in which I feel comfortable creating the sex life I want to have. Another topic to go into the “Manuel of Shit Nobody Taught Me As An Asexual” lol. If I figure it out one day, I”ll let y’all know.
protect your peace bbs, and Happy (belated) International Ace Day!!
1.) Forever by Baaba J First song prompt was for a background in finding aspec community and finding yourself in it. While this is a love song, I feel like it fits: “this is the love I’ve been searching all along for,” definitely sums up my experience when I finally ace/aro community. Even when I’m feeling low, bring in ace/aro spaces generally lifts my mood. I take “I wanna love you forever,” as self-love. Plus, this is a very beautiful Ga song.
2.) Sea Salt by Bronze Avery and Miss Benny Second song didn’t have a prompt. I think it represents some of the tensions I have with the aspec community. A lot, a lot, a LOT of the representation is whyte, it can be very polarizing and sex- and romance-negative at times, and a lot of work needs to be done in being more inclusive and accepting of the diverse experiences of ace-ness and aro-ness. “It’s all that I’ve got” and “it weighs heavy on me” but “I’d rather feel the weight” than “float into the sea [of allonormativity].”
3.) Too High by Mila Jam Third song is background for coming out. I definitely needed something upbeat and peppy, but I didn’t want anything overused like Diana Ross’s I’m Coming Out. This song is about opening up and is positive (“love is the goal”). Being too high to come down is how I wish coming out would be like—joyous, feeling good, being supported, having someone to hold your hand through the darkness.
4.) FWB by Chika This song represents me being a sex-ambivalent/favorable (at times) ace/aegosexual. Sex/sensual intimacy without romantic ties. “I just need a lover and a friend to pass the time.”
5.) Heartstorm by serpentwithfeet and Nao IDK why this song felt right? Nao says we should never hide our feelings, and I feel like that’s inclusive of aromanticism.
6.) Goodnights & Goodbyes by Qhairo I’m sometimes a “no-label relationship” kinda guy, and that’s basically what this song is lol.
7.) Starseed by Tanerélle and SIM There’s a joke in the ace community that if 1% of the world is asexual/ace spec, that’s more than the population of Denmark, so the entire community should rise together, conquer Denmark, and create an entire asexual country. While this very much gives Zionist, imperialist vibez, If I was gonna theoretically conquer a land for the community, I would do it with the ethics embedded in this song. It’s about making space for a collective, a community, and not just for the sake of power.
8.) Homiesexual by Tayla Parx This is just a cute song about fucking with the homies and vibing. We need more platonic songs like this.
9.) Ignited by Mumbi Kasumba This is a very dreamy, head in the clouds kinda song. It’s probably one of my favorite love songs ever. And it’s not just about any one specific type of love. I think ace/aro communities are doing a really good job of articulating the vastness and full capacity of love and care. Not everything needs/has a specific name, but I really love the mantra of love being so big and wide. Romantic and familial loves do not need to be the default and all kinds of love are equal. If you havent’ seen the film Rafiki, where this song comes from, I highly recommend. It’s a queer Kenyan film (with minimal violence) and is beautifully done.
11.) Lapdance from Asia by Cosha, Shygirl This song is about sex as play, and I think it’s inclusive of why some aces still engage in sex, even if there is no or limited sexual attraction. You might not have a craving for chocolate, but it could still be nice to have sometimes. Sex can be a game, fun, and the bodies attractiveness may not be a factor, but you just might want to have fun with someone for a bit.
12.) smut by Dua Saleh This is like, aggressive sexuality. Chose it for the dominant aroallos (aromantic allosexuals).
13.) Believer by Vincint The prompt for this one was the song playing in the background as you try to explain your aspec identities to allos lol. Vincint is like, “show me who I am…make me a believer now.” Allos will be mad confused/may not believe asexuality and aromanticism are real and valid, until someone they know comes out to them and makes it true in their minds. Or, this song could be about how to make someone believe your truth. Either way, still appropriate.
14.) My Bed by Mihan Me 90% of the time: Asexual The 10%: Asexual still, but fantasizing someone being in my bed (lol the aegosexual in me)
15.) Hopeless Romantic by Tink Me 90%of the time: Aromantic The 10%: Aromantic still, but wanting intimate committed relationships so fantasizing about romantic relationships even though I don’t really want a romantic relationship I just want niggas who will fuck with me for the long run. But I live in an allo world, and romantic relationships are the most accessible and direct path to that
16.) Are you in Love? by Kyle Lux This is an Aromantic Song. Source: I Said So This song could be about queerplatonic feelings, friendships, just finding someone cool and interesting and wanting to know more about someone. It gives the vibe of “if we’re trying to figure out if this is romantic or not, it’s kind of foolish.”Equating love to fool’s gold I think is an effort to downplay the significance of (romantic) love. we can just be vibing y’know.
17.) Japanese Denim by Daniel Caesar This is an Asexual Song. Source: I Said So Daniel Caesar really wrote a love song to denim and if that’s not aexual af I don’t know what is.
18.) Ooh What A Feeling by Johnny Nash This choice is meant to represent the reason I’m asexual, and this was kinda hard lol. I know it had to be a throwback reggae song, and it was either gonna be Bob Marley or Johnny Nash. Both of them are tied to very specific memories in my growing up, especially in regards to the future partners I wanted to have when I grew up. I chose this song by Johnny Nash because it definitely encapsulates how good I felt once I embraced my ace identity. And I mean, I didn’t have any idea what that would mean for me going forward but that’s fine, I could go on with a feeling for the time being. It’s also a love song that isn’t sexual, and having non-sexual love songs allowed me to see that non-sexual romantic relationships are possible, if I ever wanted that.
19.) Waiting in Vain by Bob Marley & The Wailers This song is meant to represent the reason I’m aromantic. I surprisingly have lots of queer memories attached to Bob Marley’s music. This is more for anyone who may be interested in me romantically lol—please don’t wait in vain for my love, because I can tell you that romantic love from me will most likely never come. If it does, what a beautiful thing, but don’t hold your breath.
20.) Secret Love by Njoki Karu @the_desi_ace’s post ended by this point, but I felt like there should be 23 songs for 23. I chose secret love, because in the oddest of ways, I have had to keep platonic/queerplatonic relationships a secret because they’re not approved by or understood by the society I live in. Also, being ace/aro spec has been a JOURNEY for me (and I’m still on it), and this song is about being on a journey. For a very long time I felt like i would be alone for ages, way longer than even my queer peers, for being a polyam aroace spec person.
21.) Concentrate by Lucky Daye I’m intentionally misreading the lyrics about not wanting to have sex with someone. Not interested.
gosh, idk if i’m ever going to publish this, but I’m writing these words down somewhere just in case i ever get brave enough or foolish enough to do so. i suspect that my feelings are not unique but there is a limit to how much of myself i would like to have exposed on the internet y’know? we shall see what happens.
for most of my life, implicitly or explicitly, i have been told that I would have to wait for the kinds of relationships i would like to have, for various reasons. Because I was going to be a college-educated Black woman, because I’m not-cis, because I’m queer, because I’m ace/aro-spec, because I’m young, because I’m polyamorous, because romantic relationships are not my most prioritized relationships, because I’m fat and not conventionally attractive. there are other reasons, but here is a post where i talk about why I’m not desirable.
ironically, some of the reasons why I’ve been told to wait i am also blamed for in not connecting with people. for example, being demisexual and arospec at the age of 16 was one of the reasons i was told to wait because there was not wide spread understanding of demisexuality, people my age were supposed to want to be exploring sexuality and didn’t have the maturity for non-immediately-sexual relationships, and acephobia in the form of “everyone doesn’t feel sexual attraction until they get to know someone stop being a special snowflake!” however, when i tell people I’m demisexual (especially allos) they incorrectly store it in their heads that i am asexual, sex-repulsed, naive about sex, and that they shouldn’t bring up sex in front of me. i was hanging out with a friend once and some of her other friends that i didn’t know made a 69 joke. my friend proceeded to tell them “oh he’s ace he might not get stuff like that.” i was 20 at the time. i got the joke.
because of misconceptions about my ace/aro spec identities it is assumed that i am sex and romance repulsed and that i don’t want “real” relationships or will be content with “just friendships.” many ace/aro spec folx who fall somewhere along the middle of the spectrums struggle with invisibility and finding partners because we’re not fully repulsed by romance or sex as our asexual, aromantic, and aroace counterparts are, and our aspec identities are invalidated by the fact that we can experience romantic or sexual attraction to any degree.
for me personally, as a Black polyamorous aspec person, it has been super challenging to know that i am undesirable or incompatible due to being darkskinned, fat, and genderqueer, that the ace-and aro-phobia just feels like too much. on top of all of THAT, most of the in-person relationships I have with polyam people are whyte polyam queers. whenever sex or relationships or polyamory comes up in conversation there are always awkward sorts of tensions that rise up within me—there is the frustration and bitterness for me that because of their whyteness they are seen as more desirable than me and it is easier for them find partners (even if they do have their own struggles with polyamory and acceptance); the way that i am infantilized as a neurodivergent aspec person, where it is assumed that i am naive about sex, am uncomfortable talking about sex, have no sexual desires/interest, and am too mentally unwell to be fit for a partnership; and that as a Black/African person, I was raised in communities that have a different understanding of sex and intimacy than the average whyte American and have been simultaneously hypersexualized and desexualized my entire life, and whyte people seem to not be able to talk about sex with Black people in a non-fetishizing way.
for the most part, I’m patient. I mostly believe that once I am in a space that I intentionally choose and have a more racially and ethnically fulfilling community to be a part of, I will find people who can connect with me and understand me, because we share similar experiences! But that does not get rid of the frustration I feel currently in being surrounded by people (both allo and ace-spec) who don’t understand the nuance of sexual experience and that I either have to hide things from or that are constantly misunderstanding me, my identities, and my experiences. This also makes it incredibly difficult for me to be honest with myself, because I feel like I have to compartmentalize my desires and lock them away until I am in a supportive space to process and speak about them. And even the most understanding of whyte queers often forget that their ability to act on their desires is a privilege.
one of the things that I have been struggling with recently is how HRT has been affecting my sexuality. It hasn’t changed anything, it’s been more like an amplifier or magnifying glass. While the increase in libido sometimes reaches incredibly uncomfortable levels, it’s also made more clear for me the disconnect between me and “objects of sexual desire.” In what is now clear evidence to me that I am likely aegosexual, I wrote a post last year about my thoughts on sex and masturbation, where I say “i don’t really fantasize either. if im tryna get off without watching/reading something, i try to imagine sensations happening to other people’s bodies, and how much they like it (i do this while reading/watching stuff too actually lmfao). it’s never real people that i know.” which is basically like the textbook definition of aegosexual lol. According to Taimi, aegosexuality is “lack[ing] the desire to be involved in sexual activities…Aegosexuals experience sexual attraction and sexual arousal in different ways. Aegosexuals are aroused by sexual content, pornography and may enjoy masturbation but they only enjoy sexual fantasies. An aegosexual individual does not want to have sex with another person.” While I have come across this term before, it wasn’t until I started HRT that I started to parse out the difference between sexual desire and behavior for me and to feel like that was a fundamental part of me to the extent that I wanted to claim it as an identity. While I am still sex-indifferent and sex-ambivalent, having really specific sexual fantasies while feeling so detached when engaging with erotic material was/is really discombobulating for me. I enjoyed imagining sensations happening to fake people I didn’t know but wasn’t really interested in having them happen and also started to feel self-repulsion that my body was asking for stimulation in ways that I did not want to give myself. I very much wanted to go back to my pre-vibrator days where all it took was the memory of an erotic story I had read 2 years ago to knock me out in ten minutes or less. Why were my bodymind’s needs and wants changing? What was I supposed to d with this change?
Like in the past, particularly in high school, having an identity term has been helpful, especially letting go of the shame that I was feeling towards my body and also some of the insecurities about whether or not I was “actually” ace enough, or ace at all. I still don’t have my asexuality all figured out (am I also aceflux? placiosexual? bellusexual? does that matter, do i just wanna go with graysexual?). demisexual may or may not still be applicable to me–who knows! what I do know is that I don’t vibe with the aegosexual flag at all and lowkey wanna join the placiosexual team cuz the red in that flag is fireeeeeee.
i won’t be going into more details about my sexual fantasies (this will live on the internet forever and ever after all lmfao), but I do want to offer this affirmation to folx who are questioning their asexuality, ace micro-labels, or whether or not your particular brand of aceness is actually valid: it is. a label might work for you one day and not the next, but it was just as valuable to you for when it did work than when it didn’t. you learn a lot about yourself on this identity journey, and what matters most is you being comfortable in yourself, not whether or not you’ve chosen the “correct” label to abide by forever and ever and ever. there may not even be a word yet for how you identify, and that’s okay. a different label doesn’t make you any less of a baby ace or an old ace. if you’re ace now and you’re not later, that’s okay. if you find out asexuality actually wasn’t the right label for you, that’s also okay. the hope is that you find support and community.
It’s Pisces season! I am very much a Pisces Sun (also leo moon and sagittarius rising). that I don’t know what all of those things mean is irrelevant, just that to the people who do know, apparently it makes a lot of sense about me. Kinda like winter holidays, this time of year brings up a lot of conflicting feelings for me. This is a time of year in which I was very much expected to be happy and excited, and felt a lot of shame for not being able to do so. interestingly enough, this is a period of time where I dream of my future (or the lack of it) a lot. I’ve consistently wished for a partner around this time, perhaps because it is also intertwined so intensely with feelings of not wanting to be alive—i’d really love to be able to love before I pass away, y’know. Though as I’ve become more comfortable in my aroflux/quoiromantic identities, the need/desire for partnerships have lessened (i am definitely a middle-aged aro at this point. and like, an elderly ace lol. i age 7 aro years everytime i have to help alloro friends through some truly dumb af allo bullshit lol). Growing into my aroness, and also having the agency to surround myself with people who don’t expect happiness from me make this go around a little bit easier (maybe? Pisces season has only just started), but I’m still emotionally bracing myself for the worst.
I don’t celebrate my birthday. My naming ceremony was Saturday, October 9th, 2021, and the anniversary of that event is my annual “me” celebration—though if you know me at all, I don’t really like to be in the center of attention, and what I mean about “me” celebration is being able to take care of community members and shower them with my love and affection. Not everyone respects this though, and so Pisces season is often full of a lot of anger for me, as I’m constantly being invalidated and guilt-tripped into being “grateful” and appreciative for shit I didn’t want in the first place. I’m also getting into the age where nosy ass Black women wanna ask me about my fuckin love life, and it’s really none of their gotdamn business. The frustration and annoyance mostly stems from them not allowing me to make myself legible to them. I am very commonly misunderstood, and while I make an effort in aro spaces to explain myself, I’ve kinda given up on anyone understanding me this century and will just vibe like the Queen Erykah Badu and try again Next Lifetime.
tw: su*cide
I call my birthday my death anniversary cuz every year since I was 12 years old I promised to kill myself between now and 22. Now that the double two is finally here, I’m reflecting on the life I’m living and if past iterations of me would want the me that is here. And y’know, it’s hard to say. I am really proud and excited and in awe of all of the community building work that I do—I love the TGNC and cisn’t centered programming I have been able to do within my school community, the fact that I am a source of support for other mentally ill folx, that I am a semi-visible Black Aro and have pursued my writing through this space and uplifting aro experiences and thoughts and dreams through AUREA. I feel like i am capable of doing *good* whatever tf that means, when for a very long time I thought I was only capable of doing jack shit.
Happiness is something that continues to elude me, but 16, 17 year old me was already disillusioned with happiness. I am able to take comfort in some things, including the wildness that is the expanse of my brain. I feel very comfortable in my mental illness and enjoy my episodes to some degree (every psych and therapist I’ve ever had is probably rolling over shocked that it’s possible that anyone could take pride in being neuroatypical…). I have a hard time discerning whether or not my life has “value,” but I also feel like that’s a very capitalist outlook/concept and don’t think I need to have value to have a life worth living. There’s always shitty things going on, personally and outside of me, and I think I stay around for as long as my presence or existence reminds another comrade that someone wants them to stay another day. this isn’t about having value, but because this fulfills my personal desires to give and be a caretaker. But it can also be really difficult to hold onto this because I also know that no matter how much love and care I have for someone, the world can still take them away from me. shitty things still happen to people, we still live under capitalism, we’re lonely, we’re housing and financially insecure, our bodily autonomy isn’t recognized, the world is ableist…there is hurt that I can do nothing for. and i mean like, i can always sit in discomfort with folx. am always here if my homies need to cry, need to say the ugly imperfect shit, need to trauma dump. i thoroughly enjoy complaining and listening to others complain. i have a lot of emotional bandwidth (for the right people) to hold space for their shittiness. I’m the type of nigga you can hit up and I’m not gonna problem solve if that’s not what you want. i will literally stay up with you all night and listen to you talk shit about every nigga that’s ever walked the earth if that’s what you need to keep yourself safe. or alive. but i also know that all the love i could ever give may not ever be enough, and respect whatever decision a comrade decides is best for themself. it ain’t about me.
I hold a lot of shit for others, but don’t expect anyone to do that for me. sometimes i do need support and do reach out to the homies (i have a care team!), but for most of my mental health shit i rely on me, my vibrator, and the hope that I’m too dissociated to cause too much harm to myself. lmfao.
can’t really renew the pledge…since we’re already at 22. i think this is still my death anniversary because it will forever be a reminder of all the times I’ve wanted to die. I’m honestly very scared to live past this point, because as much as i bullshitted dreams about the future whenever i was asked, i have never really thought about what life past 22 would look like. don’t think I’m lacking ambition or even direction (i have some clear directions i want my life to take), but it feels like depersonalization a bit? i feel like time and reality are becoming less and less real, like everything is imaginary, because i never filled this space up with “what if” thoughts before. this was never an imaginary i ever entertained. and i am not the first person to experience this, the first person to end up here. but it all feels surreal. i exist in a body but I’m watching things happen to the body.
i don’t know how to imagine Black queer futurities when I have only lived in pasts, but anniversaries are for looking back, and leaving the future to tomorrow. so this Pisces season, just sitting with the sorrows past me had to endure, and leave dreaming to future me.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Blackness, and race and ethnicity and gender and sexuality lately, as I’ve been working on/preparing myself for my research this summer, am taking a class on Black Lesbian Feminism and the History of Black Queer studies, the interviews I’ve been conducting as trials in ethnography for my Junior Research Seminar, the Aro Conference I will be speaking at, am preparing for ASAW (Aromantic Spectrum Awareness Week) and just so many other things…and just one half-formed thought that I really wanna put out there is that Black people can’t misgender me or invalidate my identities, by virtue of our shared experience as Black people.
When I have this conversation with other Black people it always makes sense, but I struggle to put this into words for folx who exist outside of this lived experience. I think folx would be quick to point to my recent adoption of “dey/dem/deirs” pronouns and all (culturally relevant) pronouns as the reasoning as to why I feel like Black people can’t misgender me, but there is an aspect to it outside of that. The truth is, Blackness has always been othered. And when you live as a racialized other, the “norms” and rules that apply to the dominant group do not work/apply the same way, if at all. For example, the concept of being “misgendered” is valid and applicable in languages that have gendered pronouns, such as English, romance languages, many other languages that colonizers and their descendants speak…and because the United States encourages a monolingual society and the hegemony of English, there’s this kinda assumption that most, if not all, languages have gendered pronouns, and so this concept of “misgendering” is universal. But if you’ve ever had a conversation with a native Yoruba or Persian or Finnish speaker who use she and he interchangeably, you’ll quickly realize that this concept of “gendered” pronouns is not universal, and to some people, frankly does not make sense.
As many Black people in the United States have West African heritage (whether being the descendants of enslaved peoples or having immigrated within the past few decades), our ancestors likely spoke languages like Twi, Fante or Ewe, or developed languages like Krio (spoken in Sierra Leone) that do not have gendered pronouns. And while yes, Black people in the United States (particularly, African Americans) speak English (in a variety of different dialects!) and not the languages of their ancestors, our understandings of gender is more expansive than what is commonly thought, particularly in the Black South. Even if there is not the language or lexicon of “genderqueer” or “nonbinary” or “trans” in Talladega, Alabama for example (where my maternal grandfather’s family is from), we have the capacity to distinguish different types of genders in our own way (though sometimes under the guise of transphobia). (I want to thank a friend of mine from Alabama who articulated this to me quite well in our interview/conversation a couple of days ago, as I had been struggling with this concept but not been able to put it into words). Black communities are full of people “doing their own thing” and sometimes the family or community might be in denial, but more often, I think their acceptance is shown by treating the genderbending, genderqueer, genderfucking cousin or auntie or sibling as a person, and just respecting and loving and affirming their valid existence as a person. The use of names or pronouns is not always as clear cut as a decision to deadname or invalidate an identity, but a form of protection. The state intentionally targets Black people, and let a Black person be “different” in any kinda way and watch that nigga lose they housing, they job, be killt when sleeping in they own bed.
I am not excusing Black people who refuse to respect a person’s autonomy. When a nigga say dis my name and pronouns, dese da nigga name and pronouns. But I think there’s a myth that Black people are “more” anti-queer or anti-trans than other demographics, and I think that’s cuz people have their whyte gaze on a non-whyte community. and think that the construct of gender is the same in Black/non-whyte communities as it is in whyte spaces and communities. I tell my mom and my family that they can use the name that they gave me because it holds meaning and significance for me and them in that space, and that’s who I am when I’m with them. It doesn’t make me any less genderfluid or genderqueer to be that name with them, or to use whatever pronouns with them. I believe that names are sacred, and only certain people in certain spaces have the privilege of naming the most precious versions of me.
so in short, Black people can’t misgender me. my relationship to my Blackness and gender functions differently in relationships and interactions with Black people than it does with non-Black people. They can “yasss gurrlll” me, use whatever pronouns, call me by my given name. our understandings of each other are informed by our Blackness, as vast and as varied as she is.
first post of the new year is a poem i wrote in memory of my mentor, Andrew Dowe. He passed away last January, i’d like to start off by remembering him. written february 10th, 2021
About the poem: I grew up feeling both a deep connection to my Ghanaian and African American lineages, but also incredibly removed from the cultures. I grew up with my Ghanaian dad and West African aunties. Spring 2019, my father formally kicked me out, in part due to my queerness and my gender.
Summer 2020, I really began to feel the sense of “loss” and like I didn’t have a people, since no one would claim me, welcome me. These feelings were exacerbated by a summer session course I was taking, Writing About Family. I have often described this feeling to friends, classmates, and in my writing as feeling “untethered.”
In a unique and unexpected way, the passing of my mentor, Andrew Dowe, has led to me beginning to feel grounded, rooted, anchored, perhaps for the first time in my life. I feel as though Andrew is a Guardian Angel, watching over so many of us, rooting for us, blessing us. And I feel like I can stop searching for the folx to be connected to, because I’ve already got somebody holding me down, and he lives in my heart. And with him as guidance, everything else will happen as it’s meant to be.
—————————————————————
Untethered—a poem
tether (v)— tie (an animal) with a rope or chain so as to restrict its movement
my heart beats 1, 2, 3
someone asks me what my core community was growing up
someone asks me for my core
where is he?
I feel like I’ve been feeling floating, but I’m stuck.
where is he?
I feel like my core is hidden, just out of reach.
where is he?
my heart beats 1, 2, 3
I know he is there somewhere.
my soul.
my core.
my problem is, slave ships stole my momma’s people from they homeland.
my problem is, slave ships forced my ancestors to jump off they boats.
my core floating in those murky Atlantic waters, where my ancestors’ bodes lie.
my core is hidden in those murky Atlantic waters, where my ancestors blood will never dry.
where is he?
I thought I heard him whispering, but it was only the shadow of my father’s love.
where is he?
I thought I heard him singing, but it is only my father’s tongues tiptoeing away, hiding from the butchering of “American” throats
where is he?
I thought I saw him dancing, but it was just my father’s old ropes, cracking like a whip in this still air, coming for me now that I am
untethered.
the noose that was my father’s love used to strangle me.
used to choke me up and bring me down, break me into pieces.
I thought that leaving his chains would liberate me, but just as bad is being
untethered.
I don’t desire to be tethered like
rope around neck around wood around me saying “don’t move.”
I want to be anchored. grounded.
I want to find my ancestors and dance among the cassava leaves.
I want to find my trancestors and breathe IN the sweet sweet saltiness of just fried plantains.
I want to be invited in, invited in to the tradition of straining tea leaves for every ailment, of whipping cocoa butter for that soft body shine, of harvesting hibiscus flowers and drinking palm wine.
where is he?
God didn’t bring me this far to leave me.
She knew that my Black queer heart needed love, cuz it could love so much.
that my scarred up decorated Black body needed touch, cuz it could feel so much.
she did not leave me.
where is he?
he is in my heartbeat 1, 2, 3.
in the air we breathe, in the sashay of my hips, the smile on my lips, the glow of my skin.
[Image Description: three panel angry dog meme. entire panel is in black and white. panel 1: drawing of dog with neutral face, ball in mouth. top text reads “PLEASE LIFE PARTNER(S)” and bottom right text reads “Me, sex-averse aroace wanting alterous/queerplatonic love” panel 2: dog with slightly angry face. an outstretched hand reaches for the ball. text reads “NO DATING” panel 3: dog with angrier face. text reads “ONLY COMMITTED LIFE PARTNER(S)”]
if you’ve been vibing with me in this space for a bit you know i identify as aroflux and a sexually indifferent demisexual, though i prefer asexual (i don’t seek out sex, don’t want it in long term relationships, and even though I *can* experience sexual attraction it’s been years and I’m perfectly comfortable with that). every now and again i entertain the foolish thought of dating and since I’m here again I’m gonna write about it (that’s how all of these pieces start…lmfao).
I’ve never dated anyone for a single second in my gotdamn life lmfao. I have asked out exactly (1) person (he was a sweet boy from Georgia) and it was because I had confused my sensual attraction for him and my romantic attraction for his ex-gf who wanted to set us up (no i will not elaborate further lol). but he had a gf and very sweetly turned me down. i really appreciated him for that lol. we remained friends for the rest of hs. no one has ever asked me out, though apparently this one boy had a crush on me for two years and i was completely oblivious. i broke his heart by walking home with some other guy one time. I’m sorry. lol.
i have had maybe two romantic crushes for people irl, a bunch of squishes, and i have fallen in love with literally every single Black woman or femme with brightly colored hair that I have ever seen, even if only for a nanosecond. the way i love colored hair on dark skin…be makin’ me rethink my thoughts on marriage 😭 (crying face emoji). lmao. but deadass even tayla parx lightskinnedededed ass looks so good in colored wigs and dyed hair that my heart be trippin’. quickest way to my heart lmfao.
i am generally enamored with Black and African women and femmes, the chocolatier the skin and kinkier the hair the more I am entranced. but this is all aesthetic attraction, not romantic, and i really just want to be able to look at them forever. goddesses.
i was on bumble for a hot second, deleted it when i saw my first year roommate on it lol. was also on OkCupid but it gave me iffy vibes and i also deleted it (or maybe i just logged out? maybe my account is still out there in the ether somewhere lmfao) when i seen this white kid i knew lol (who I’m now friends with, but wasn’t at the time).
these days i know i probably don’t want to be on any apps and hope to find people when i leave college and can be around Black people and Africans again, people over the age of 25, and maybe engage more with aces and aros of color (irl? in FB groups? idk lol). but having a vague future plan does not help to answer the question, “how the hell will i be able to raise kids?” or address the fact that my polyamorous (polyaffectionate?) soul wants to be cuffed af rn. and this is how dating enters the conversation lmfao.
i do not want to say that i am “out of my league” or whatever here because i have not formally dated because it’s one of the things i fuckin hate and is used to invalidate aros all the time–how can we know anything about dating if we’ve never dated? amatanormativity lmfao. we’re surrounded by it everywhere and pressured about it all of the time. also years of listening to friends’ relationship issues lol.
i do think it is important to set the scene a little bit–unlike a lot of other U.S .based folx, I was not allowed to date during hs or first year of college due to family values, culture, and customs. i really wasn’t even allowed to entertain the thought of dating until i finished formal education, but because i’ve become independent of my family that is no longer a factor in how i go about seeking relationships. though clearly, as evidenced by my anecdote above, even with those “restrictions” in place i did think about romantic relationships to some degree. but i have had more freedom and agency these past two years than my entire life.
that being said, i don’t think i would enjoy dating very much or have the stamina to keep it up because it seems to me to be full of charades. i have a feeling i’d have a difficult time being taken seriously by cis men as a multi-attracted person afab genderfluid person who isn’t interested in sex with them. while i am down for platonic and queerplatonic relationships with whyte people, my ancestors won’t allow me to experience romantic, alterous, or sensual attraction towards mayo people. not sorry lol. a lot of LGBTQ spaces are full of the whytes, especially trans and nonbinary ones. my relationships with queers of color is…interesting, and while I am panromantic and “heterosensual” (i do not label my alterous attraction) I know that Black men (queer or straight, cis, trans, nonbinary or cisn’t) are not looking for people like me as partners (I explain why here). this is partially why i channel a lot of my angst and longing for partners into thoughts about African women and Black and African trans femmes. I feel like there’s high compatibility there, but I am clearly on the wrong continent (lol) and even here in the U. S. in the wrong spaces (read: an elite ass university).
I think about dating because it is the only model I have ever been given to successfully find long term partners. Now whether or not all of those relationships are healthy is a separate convo, but other than constantly meeting and talking to people (which is all dating is really) you’re expected to just sit around and wait for “The One” to come into your life and steal your heart. which is not what i want lol.
this is also part of my frustration of being around a bunch of teenagers and other people in their early to mid-twenties. i miss intergenerational spaces/coming into contact with young kids (can you guess why?) and older adults, middle aged folx, etc. but my boss is having a baby soon so there will be a lil mixed baby i can hold and burp and it’ll be cute or whatever. lmao.
but I’ve never really vibed with people in my age cohort (Gen Z I guess?) and I’ve always vibed with Black women 10-15 years older than me. slightly older folx would also more likely be looking for a committed relationship, but people sometimes feel some type of way “dating” younger bbs. and then to account for desirability, their attractions, whether or not we vibe, and if we have “mismatched” attractions (which is likely) the insecurities that come with someone not consistently feeling the same way towards you. like, i can let you know that I vibe with you and enjoy spending time with you and would be comfortable being partners with you but would also have to be upfront that the “romantic” or alterous attraction I feel for you may wane or fade and there is nothing I can do about that. I respect people wanting to be desired in a particular kind of way, and if you need that consistently either we’re not compatible or you’d have to find that from someone/somewhere else.
dating is not something that I think should be “expanded” to include looking for relationships that aren’t romantic or sexual by nature, because it’s a wonky framework that doesn’t apply well to tertiary attraction or unconventional romantic/sexual relationships. perhaps others have started thinking about this elsewhere, but i wonder what other kind of “process” could facilitate different kinds of relationships for aro spec folx in particular. i would think more awareness of different kinds of attractions and relationships outside of aro circles and LGBTQ spaces and into the mainstream would help make these conversations easier as allos would perhaps even begin seeking out these kinds of relationships for themselves, and be more open to being in relationships with aro folx. and while loveless aros exist and deserve to be validated, i think allos assume lovelessness (in an incorrect form) from ALL aros and the lack of a nuanced understanding is frustrating for all of us. I’m a polyamorous/affectionate(? questioning that label lol) aro who wants kids and wants to love other people, and i wish that there was more space for that. or space at all.
[Image Description: gru 4 panel meme disappointed panel 1: aromantic people don’t need relationships if they don’t want them. Lovelessness is valid. panel 2: I, a sex-indifferent aroflux person, do want romantic, alterous, and queerplatonic relationships panel 3: Dating is the only society-sanctioned way to find committed life partners. panel 4: Dating is the only society-sanctioned way to find committed life partners.]
[ID: aromantic flag, which consists of five horizontal stripes in this order: green, light green, white, gray, and black]
hi.
I have shied away from claiming the word “aromantic” as mine for about four years now, for a couple of different reasons.
1.) I did not want to be misinterpreted or to mislead people. I did not want them to think that by me calling myself aromantic, I never experienced romantic attraction at all and never desired a romantic relationship.
2.) Because it was assumed of me. I would introduce myself to people as demisexual, they would store that in their brain (incorrectly) as asexual, and assume that aromanticism came right along with it. Mostly allo people assumed my aromanticism, but aspec people would as well.
3.) I didn’t think I could authentically claim it. I knew that I was aroflux, had experienced romantic attraction before, and wanted an alterous/soft romo kind of relationship. If I wanted these things, how could I claim aromanticism?
4.) I didn’t see or know of any Black Aromantics, and so thought it was impossible for us to exist. Visibility is important. I had very much bought into the concept of “Black Love” and the only aromantic people I saw where whyte folx and NBPOC (mostly asian) and so I thought aromanticism was diametrically opposed to Blackness as a construct.
some definitions
Alloromantic — term describing a person who is not aromantic or under the aromantic umbrella
Alterous attraction — the desire for emotional closeness, which is not adequately described by romantic or platonic attraction. Alterous attraction may feel like a combination of platonic and romantic, or somewhere in between platonic and romantic on a spectrum, or may feel distinct from either. (source: Aromantics Wiki)
Aromantic — a term for a person who does not experience romantic attraction
Aroflux — a person whose orientation fluctuates between aromantic and alloromantic and/or shifts along the aromantic spectrum
soft romo — low level romantic relationship (read more here)
queerplatonic (also known as quasiplatonic) relationship — a non-romantic relationship characterized by intense levels of commitment and intimacy that are not typical or common in platonic friendships (in a Western context)
quoiromantic (also known as wtfromantic) — 1) not understanding or actively disidentifying with romance/romantic attraction/romantic orientation as sensible/applicable categories, personally, or 2) feeling that these categories are personally inaccessible, inapplicable, or non-sensical (source: Aromantics Wiki)
quoiromantic is a bit of a doozy to explain, I will go into what it means for me a bit later. You can read more here
these are just some basic definitions, because other people on the interwebs have done a great job explaining these things! I am just here talking about my personal experience, but I want people to have sources to refer to if I use terminology they are not familiar with.
what does aroflux mean for me?
the beauty of such a term is that its fluidity means that it can encapsulate many different experiences. it also means that unless someone explicitly tells you what aroflux means to them, there is no way to know in what ways they do or do not experience romantic attraction. if you imagine aromanticism as a spectrum, with aromantic on the left and alloromantic on the right, here are the attractions I experience in order of their relation to aromanticism: aromantic, greyromantic, quoi/wtfromantic, pan (allo) romantic. (note: not all quoiromantic people identify as aromantic, and quoiromantic as a term comes from folx disidentifying with the romantic/aromantic binary. read more here).
let’s start with the term that’s the most complicated to understand, the basis of this aspect of my identity, and the label that I cling to the least: quoiromantic.
from the definition written above, the second half is how I understand quoiromantic for myself: “feeling that these categories [romance/romantic attraction/romantic orientation] are personally inaccessible, inapplicable, or non-sensical.” Further down on that Aromantics Wiki page it also states that
Quoiromantic experiences may include
Being unsure if you experience romantic attraction or not
Being unable to understand romantic attraction as a concept or feeling
Finding the concept of attraction to be inaccessible, inapplicable, or nonsensical
Being unable to pin down a clear understanding of romantic attraction, so being unable to say whether or not you experience it
Having a difficulty distinguishing romantic attraction from other types of attraction, or being unable to distinguish them at all
Questioning romanticism for such a long time that the questioning itself becomes the identity, rather than a path toward any other more stable identity
Struggling with romanticism because it feels too complicated
Simply not feeling that any other romantic orientation label is applicable
***emphasis added
I know that romantic attraction is a thing, and that other people experience it and it makes sense to them. I have heard people discuss the intimacy and connection that exists in romantic relationships, and also want long term partners in which there is intimacy and connection. However, I have never really understood what “romantic” attraction is or feels like, even though I look at romantic relationships as something I might want to have.
I have had four friendships that turned into really close partnerships to the extent to which I began to see these four individuals as people I would like to have with me for the rest of my life. I did not necessarily want to change anything about the current set up of our relationship–I was content with being “best friends” just literally forever–I just could see myself making big life decisions around their wants, needs, hopes, and dreams. When I learned of the term queerplatonic, I asked for that, and was turned down. What I found out later is that I scared people away.
Because the thing is, at 16, 18, and 19 (the ages I was at the time when I began thinking of these kinds of relationships) no one is thinking about “permanently settling down” (even though that’s not quite what I was asking for) and the only frame of reference any of us had for this level of commitment is what society had taught us about romantic relationships. Whenever I talk about those past relationships (especially one in particular) I am typically asked (by allos) if I had romantic feelings for any of them–and for two of those people, the answer is truly “I don’t know?” I have never been able to parse out romantic attraction for myself, and it makes much more sense to think of my relationships in terms of the level of intimacy and connection I have with folx (I am also maybe a little bit of a relationship anarchist). Maybe what I feel is somewhat of a mix between romantic and platonic (alterous?) or maybe it is all platonic or maybe….I could go on forever.
At the end of the day, I personally feel like romantic categories are not useful for me or don’t really apply to me, because I don’t know what tf romantic attraction is and I am also not invested in finding out. I do not feel like I am missing out on anything by not “finding an answer” to “do I experience this kind of attraction?” because I’ve been living my life not knowing pretty fine lol. Alloromantics can go their entire lives without having to answer “do you experience alterous attraction?” or “is your sensual attraction something you feel sometimes or all the times or only under certain circumstances?” Maybe this is a kinda “fuck you” to the notion of having a romantic identity, but it’s mostly me just being like “wtf is romantic attraction?” lmao
[ID: Wait you’re getting paid?? meme template. Bottom text in white reads “What you guys are experiencing romantic attraction??]
So, if I don’t experience romantic attraction, or if I am not sure if I do, but I don’t really care too much about knowing, then why do I use other labels to describe my romantic “orientation” including an allo label? Let me explain.
I know what my primary forms of attraction are–aesthetic and sensual. I also know that most of the time I do not experience romantic attraction–which is why aromantic as a label is accurate for me and also why, of all of my “romantic orientation” identities, aromantic is the one that is the most important to me (after aroflux). But the main reason why I identify as aromantic is for community.
the “A” in LGBTQIA+ stands for Asexual, Aromantic, and Agender. We are a very small community with very little to no visibility, especially visibility that isn’t white-washed and Western centered. But the aromantic community? tiny as hell. As tiny as it is, there are some visibly aro folx and aro orgs and aro influencers and what not. But the world is still coming to terms with accurate asexual representation, and aromantic folx, especially allo aros, are fighting for visibility and respect from within the community. We really can’t get much smaller as a community, cuz then we would be all by ourselves lmfao.
My identifications with greyromantic and panromantic kinda go hand in hand–when/if I experience romantic attraction, it is at a very low level, but it can be to anyone of any gender. I also identify as panromantic on its own because the on the very rare off chance that I experience romantic attraction (has only happened once) it’s still to any gender.
I most often explain my aroflux (often, like I do this often–I mean when I’m talking to myself in the shower lmfao) I say that I identify as aromantic or greyromantic most of the time (because these are terms easily understood to most other queers) and that Is not wholly accurate. I think that it would be more truthful to say that I most often identify at the intersection of aromantic and quoi/wtfromantic, and that when I do experience romantic attraction it is at very low levels. My identities as aro and quoi are fairly stable and I identify as either for months at a time, with short bursts in between of being greyro. When I actively have a crush on someone (has happened twice) it can be a bit weird because levels of romantic attraction vary (which makes me question whether it is significant enough to act on) and I might also slide back into being aromantic for a few weeks and the crush disappears, just for it to randomly pop back up a couple of months later. How annoying.
all of this being said, it’s still taken many years before I felt comfortable claiming the label “aromantic” because I was really afraid of invalidating others, in particular aroaces. But my aromanticism is still valid, even if it looks “different” from the norm.
niggas be assumin shit
im not tryna start nuthin’….but when I first started getting plugged in to online aro spaces, I got the impression that this was thee safe haven for aroaces, and what they said was law. It made sense, as they were left out of many other spaces, including LGBTQ+ spaces, and so this was their turf. While the general aro-spec community seemed welcoming of the diversity of experiences in our community, the aromantic community specifically seemed white facing and inaccessible to me, a Black baby aro. to be aromantic and non-asexual was to get shat on like the rest of the allos. A lot of harm and erasure was done there.
I thought this problem would be solved by hanging out with queers of color. At this college access program I participated in me n some of the cute bbs would do “Gay Day Outs” on the weekend and eat mac’n’cheese in a cup and play Never Have I Ever. I tried to come out as aroflux then but eventually settled on greyromantic. It was cute–some people got it, some people didn’t. A lot of people assumed my innocence in sex and romance related things. I still had a (mostly) good time.
College has been…messy. I did a pre-orientation summer program for poor kids in which I was open about using they/she pronuns and people still assumed my cis womanhood. I was read as straight for five (5) uncomfortable weeks. yay.
When the academic year started I tried to be vocal about being on the ace spectrum/demipolysexual but didn’t realize I was being read as both asexual and aromantic until a couple of awkward experiences. One time, I went over to my pre-orientation counselor’s house for tea to catch up on things and I’m not certain of what I said but the response I got was “Oh, I thought you were aromantic?”
That would not be the only time that my aromanticism would be assumed, and with that came other assumptions that I was not comfortable with. Because I “didn’t have to worry about all this romantic love and relationship stuff” I was “lucky”—when in fact, I have had to deal with messy, meaningful, painful, tumultuous and harmful relationships just like any other allo—the fact that these relationships are platonic, queerplatonic, or familial in nature makes them no less important, impactful, and sometimes damaging, to my life as romantic relationships. It also erases the fact that despite the ambivalence of my romantic attraction I DO want a romantic relationship, or at least a relationship with romantic elements. I desire love in other forms too (and will talk about this in another piece) but it is so so so so SO hard to talk about desiring romantic relationships when a particular kind of aromanticism is assumed of you.
in my aromanticism being assumed of me, my primary forms of attraction (aesthetic and sensual) have been erased. But also, despite assuming both my asexuality and aromanticism, allos have no way of interpreting demonstrated interest or perceived attraction outside of an allonormative and amatanormative framework.
For example, during late January of my sophomore year of college my school hosted its annual Black Solidarity Conference. I mentioned to some poc friends (one of whom had Black heritage, among others) about two Black femmes I had come across whose style and aesthetic I really appreciated and valued and that I wished I had the confidence to let them know that. One of them also performed at the talent show and I wanted to talk to her about her music but had no idea how to start that conversation or even find her again with one day of the conference left. All I had was her Instagram handle.
This group of people who knew I was aspec started giving me suggestions about how I could “suggestively” slide into her DMs and maybe I could even “get lucky.” My only other Black friend in the space began to try and coach me on how “to get this girl” and no one was listening to me when I said I would just follow her and see if she posted more about her music. Perhaps it was much more enjoyable to include me in this ritual (hazing?) that they seemed to practice pretty regularly. The conversation turned to someone else’s potential love interest, I guess because I was not an interesting enough subject, being asexual and all.
Experiences like these make me feel like I am invalidating myself no matter what I do. Emphasizing the non-romantic and non-sexual elements of my attraction to these two people would reinforce the idea of aromanticism that was being applied to me. To “go along” with it would be to also open myself up to unwanted questions such as “are you really aromantic??” which is nobody’s business but my own. There is no space for nuance here, as an aromantic person who is partially interested in romance. And so because aromanticism was assumed of me, a huge part of me was silenced in every space I entered, including queer spaces.
Black Love
Oh, what to say about Black Love? It’s magical, mysterious, healing, powerful. If you haven’t listened fo my queering rnb playlist, you should. Here’s da link.
I grew up knowing Black Love was sacred. It was one of those things that I knew in my heart, intimately, at four (4) years old. It was also something that I was taught, by my mother, African American women I met everywhere, and by listening to the ancestors.
Sometimes people try to break down and encapsulate Black Love in hashtag-able phrases like “Black Girl Magic” and “Melanin Queen” but Black Love is more than the power that rests in Black womanhood or in our rich, dark skin tones, though that is a part of it. Black Love at its core is the strength and resilience of Blackness, no matter what the world has thrown at it. Black Love is never ending and impossible to destroy.
One of the lessons I was taught early on was to protect Black Love. I was told the stories of my peoples who boldly claimed love, and had their partners sold or killed during slavery. I was told the stories of mothers who could barely hold their babies because the state stole them because of The War On Drugs. I was told the stories of men who were locked behind bars and never allowed to become the favorite uncle because they rotted away in those cells for no reason other than racism. I was told the stories of Black mothers who were jailed for “child neglect” in a system that would rather criminalize them than provide resources for raising disabled children while homeless. I was told the stories of Black people being killed asleep in their own home.
I was taught to protect Black Love.
While I was taught to protect Black Love, I was also taught (in theory) to love expansively. This means that when I love, I give a lot into it, and that I have the capacity to love many people at once, simultaneously, and often desire to be able to show or express love to multiple people constantly. Perhaps this is why I’m polyamorous. Perhaps also, this is why I am overwhelming for people.
Black Love for me is an indivisible entity, and therefore does not ascribe to the categories of “romantic” or “aesthetic” or “alterous” or what have you. It just is.
As someone who has been socialized as, and in part identifies as, a Black woman, something that the culture has shown me is that I must hold love in my heart for Black men—whether this be as a parent, a lover (romantic, sexual, or otherwise), a sibling, a daughter, a friend. However, it has been my experience that even though my Black Love is vast and open, that is not true for men, cis or otherwise, and I am usually harmed in these relationships.
While I’ve been thinking about Black Love and men and my personal gender for awhile, thinking of Black Love and aromanticism together has been a new thing for me. Like I mentioned in the beginning of this (very) long piece, I used to think that Black Love and aromanticism were complete opposites of each other and that it was impossible to hold both at the same time. I used to think that Black Love, in all its vastness, necessitated romantic love. Because to not jump the broom was to disgrace all the ancestors who were never able to, to be without a romantic partner was to turn your head at what my people had suffered to be able to hold hands in public together, confident in their freedom and their safety. From Destiny’s Child to my aunts I was told that I needed a (romantic) partner to lean on, raise kids with, cook for. The world was just beginning to realize the revolutionary power of Black Love. How could I not want to be a part of it?
In searching for a positive definition of aromanticism, I realized something that I was never explicitly taught—Black Love is queer. Black Love is queer in the sense that it does not adhere to societal norms. In fact, it outright does not give a fuck about what society expects from it. Black Love has been doing that shit since Day One (1), and I didn’t even realize. Then again, it didn’t need to be said.
Like all queer entities, Black Love is unique to all those who experience it. What it means for me may not be what it means for another Black person, and that’s okay! My aromanticism is the same way. People embody Black Love and aromanticism (and both!) in a myriad of ways. I’m learning that that is really beautiful.
Being Black, Aro, and Imagining Relationships
My INFJ ass looooves imagining and dreaming and thinking about anything. Especially relationships. I’ve done it all the time, since I was a kid. And as a lucid dreamer who can controls his dreams, sometimes all I do is live, breathe, and dream these thoughts.
My ideas and dreams about relationships have always been queer. Before I knew terminology like “non-hierarchal polyamory” and “queerplatonic” and “relationship anarchy” I knew that the kinds of relationships I desired were different from what society was telling me was “the norm.” I knew since I was seven (7) that I wanted to live in a house with people I cared about, regardless of the kind of relationship I had with them. I imagined myself like Shrek, living in the woods, except instead of living alone, I was going to live with the friends I hadn’t met yet.
My father would play “Waiting in Vain” and “Could You Be Loved” by Bob Marley and the Wailers on road trips and I would dream of loving a dark-skinned Black woman with mid-back length locs, our third partner a Black guy who would splash water on us and make us squeal while at the beach. Our relationship mostly consisted of us drinking tea together and playing in the sand. I was 16, and this is what love looked like for me.
As an aromantic person, I know that I would be unhappy in a typical romantic relationship, because I will never be able to reciprocate those same emotions to my partner. I prefer to think about my relationships in terms of the level of intimacy and commitment I have with the person/people. Terms like “soft romo,” “alterous,” and “queerplatonic” are sometimes helpful in communicating to others generally the kinds of relationships I desire, but in my personal life have actually caused more than good, and these terms are not very well known outside of aromantic communities.
It is incredibly frustrating to be aromantic and for people to treat you like you’re heartless, or could never care about anyone at all. We are also put in the unfair and uncomfortable position of justifying our lack of romantic love and explaining the “validity” of other relationship types. It can feel like you’re still stuck within the system, because either way society is telling you that you yourself are not enough, and that you need to be partnered in some way. some people never want a partner, and that’s incredibly fucking valid and should be respected.
In trying to navigate aromantic identity in relationships, I also have to deal with the frustration of being a gender nonconforming Black woman as well. I am hypersexualized, told i’m ugly, expected to perform emotional labor for free, subject to hella micro- and macroagressions, told that i’m scary, and always trying to make myself palatable for someone else. this is exhausting.
and so it is fun to dream and think about love and relationships, and i have some very important and meaningful relationships with folx, but because of my undesirability, because of my Blackness and Black womanhood, and because of my aromantic identity, I feel very much cut off from having the types of relationships that I would like to have. It can be difficult and frustrating and isolating to see friends, family, strangers, move in and out of casual, serious, or no labels types of relationships knowing that if they one day decide to have a romantic partner, they will be supported in that choice. Perhaps not by all of society, perhaps not everywhere, but there are models for what their relationship could look like. Society has given them options on how to find partners–as a Black Aromantic, I have been given nothing.
I am in my early 20’s, and there is nothing that white queers like to tell more than “to just give it time,” because apparently if I just wait long enough I’ll “find my people.” I think my anger here is really with amatanormativity, but I am also angry with how my lived experience is erased. I’ve been asked by two white women “how long” have I known about the kinds of relationships I want, as if my being young had anything to do with the fact that we live in a society that tells us that all love is inferior to romantic love. I have ALWAYS been asexual/demipolysexual and I have ALWAYS been aroflux/aromantic and while I did not have access to specific language until I was 15, I knew and could describe the kind of love and partnerships I dreamed of. I wrote poetry about it, made songs about it, fell madly in love with love. I just never knew, and I still don’t really, how to make the world see and feel what I see and feel when I think about love. This is more than just a question of time, it is anti-Blackness and desirability politics needing to be dismantled, it is more awareness and education of aromanticism being needed everywhere, It is me not having the social capital or resources to find and enter spaces where people understand me, let alone be in a relationship with me. I could wait forever, and this still wouldn’t see this happen in my lifetime.
final thoughts on aromanticism as a Black genderfluid woman
I think that it is important to state this, but a person’s aromantic identity tells you nothing else about them or their identity other than their lack of romantic attraction.An aromantic person may be allosexual, may be asexual or elsewhere on the ace spectrum. Some aromantics identify as queer, some do not. Some may want or desire relationships, of any kind, and some don’t. All Aromantics are a part of the LGBTQIA+ community and there is no such thing as “straight passing privilege” of aroaces or hetero aros or bi/poly/pan/omni aros or ANY aros BECAUSE ERASURE IS NOT A PRIVILEGE.
I think my only personal discontent with aromanticism is that it is framed as a lack of something, and unfortunately society seems to think that that something is a huge personal flaw for all aromantics. When in reality, the aromantic community is full of so much love and care, and holds so much knowledge about the ways we can treat each other as humans and build healthy, happy relationships. Aromanticism is about so much joy, about loving and existing in a myriad of ways.
And while the world would like to project the aromantic community as being white-filled and white-presenting, aromantic spaces do a helluva better job than some others in the LGBTQIA+ community of being diverse, inclusive, and accessible. We’re not perfect, but we are trying. and a lot of us are neurodiverse and/or trans, nonbinary, or gender non conforming, which means people in our spaces tend to understand multiple marginalization. It takes a lot less work to explain being “me” because so many of us shared experiences. weird, it’s like we’re a community or sumthin right?
Black Aros exist–I’ve even met three (virtually!) now. Talking about aromanticism at the end of Pride Month has been a bit freeing, in a way. Talking through some identity stuff that I’ve never shared before, but I think is really important for people to know. This is only the tip of the iceberg of what I have to say–I have been holding in these thoughts for so long.
I will leave you with the info of three (3) Black Aromantics you might wanna check out.
![[Image Description: gru 4 panel meme disappointed
panel 1: aromantic people don't need relationships if they don't want them. Lovelessness is valid.
panel 2: I, a sex-indifferent aroflux person, do want romantic, alterous, and queerplatonic relationships
panel 3: Dating is the only society-sanctioned way to find committed life partners.
panel 4: Dating is the only society-sanctioned way to find committed life partners.]](https://idkjustwordsyameen.files.wordpress.com/2021/11/aroflux-dating-gru-meme.jpg?w=781)
idk just words yameen 