about a month ago, I got my hair braided and the stylist would NOT stop complaining about how straggly my ends were. I knew that I was long overdue for a trim, but I’m too anxious to do it myself and most stylists these days overcharge for the service nowadays. I don’t think it’s a good move for a stylist to complain about a client’s hair anyways—you can give me constructive feedback and advice on my hair care regimen to improve the health of my hair, but you don’t have to bash me as a person. Makes me not want to come back to you. I already tend to hate the Black salon space because it’s full of nasty cishet energy and personal triggers, but it’s hard to find queer/trans friendly stylists that are knowledgeable about my hair type, especially when you are on the move, like I was (did a lot of traveling in May and June). Strands for Trans is a good resource for hair cuts and styling if you have straight or wavy hair, but if you have kinks and coils like me, there’s a dearth of representation. One day, maybe. One day.
I allowed this lady to charge me $20 for what should have been a $5 or $10 add on fee to “trim” my hair. Except, homegirl took off about 2 inches!! Homie that is not a “trim” that is a CUT. I understand I have damaged ends, I’m well aware of that (the hair is on my head, after all). I was tryna grow it out and cut it once my hair would be at a length I was comfortable at post-mini chop. That’s why it’s always in these protective styles. Trying to limit manipulation as much as possible. I shouldn’t have tipped her (she didn’t even do my hair the way I wanted) but I did. Bleh.
Because my hair was going into braids I could ignore how unsettling having so much hair cut off would be, but the braids had to come out at some point. My hair is shorter now than it was at the beginning of my “natural hair journey” five years ago, which could be the shrinkage (she cut my hair while it was blow dried) or maybe she took off more than I realized. Either way, I don’t fuck with it.
Now don’t get me wrong, I do not have any internalized issues around having short hair as a Black person. I don’t give a fuck about all the bullshit about dark skinned Africans not having any hair, not being able to grow our hair, or any of that bullshit. And I don’t believe that long hair equals being “more” beautiful (I don’t even believe in ranking beauty). Just for me and my personal aesthetic and gender expression, long hair is what I want. I got floor length lavender box braids for a reason. Long hair is what suits me at this current stage of my life.
I’m not going to deny the fact that I was socialized as a Black girl with “difficult” hair cuz it was thick and coily and nappy. Black women, girls, and femmes must *always* have hair that’s “presentable” and we get policed by our community and those who uphold European beauty standards (not mutually exclusive groups) if our hair isn’t always on point. I have gotten ridiculed and shamed as an adult and as a kid for entering spaces with my hair in its natural state. That does take a toll on your self esteem and you’ve got to work to unlearn that. I have a positive relationship with my hair and care for it. At the same time I know that society sees my natural hair and infantilizes their view of me and my capabilities as well as masculinizes me, which is not always what I want.
Though I have cultivated a positive relationship with my hair, I still struggle to find ways of styling it that is congruent with the way that I see myself. One day I will do locs, but right now I like the shape of my free coils. Braided styles are sometimes the move, but other times I wish I knew how to modify styles popular in the natural hair community to fit my personhood. It can be hard to not compare myself to my peers who weren’t raised to see their hair as an enemy, and have to deal with disability limiting the spoons that I have to spend on hair styling.
This is to say, I’ve worked really hard to get my hair to a place where it doesn’t cause dysphoria due to its length. My hair falls out due to stress/depression and Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), and adding on testosterone probably does not help with that. My hair became damaged because I got it colored last Fall by another stylist that I would never go back to. This lady probably thinks she did me a favor, chopping off so much of my hair (for an exorbitant rate mind you), but she’s relegated me back to a space of disappointment. I will be as nurturing and caring for my hair as I have ever been, but it’ll be another year or so to gain back what I’ve lost. And that makes me really sad and frustrated because it should have been up to me the state of my hair.
As I deal with the dysphoria the next few months, I’m reminded to center the healing and growth of my hair.
protect your peace bbs.
idk just words yameen 