i like

had the most important realization that i have ever had in my life i think lol

awhile ago, probably last october or so, someone that i looked up to had dinner with me.

and in that conversation with them, they have probably said the wisest thing that i have ever heard. and of course, like all youngins, i did not take it to heart and i laughed and it went in one ear and left a faint imprint on my brain and mostly went out the other.

and in talking about and thinking about my frustrations with cis Black people, cishet Black women, cis queers, cis qpoc, my struggle to figure out if im gay or a lesbian or a “complicated queer” and sad gay™ forever…ive realized that i knew the true answer all along?

my trans, nonbinary, and non cis friends are the only people who i consistently feel safe and comfortable and WHOLE around, all the time. no matter what, it seems like.

and gender is not necessarily the most prominent part of my identity (which certainly changes all of the time depending on the spaces im in and the place i am in my life at the moment) but it is an increasingly important part and i think something cis people can never really understand.

and so the wise words that came from this person who i can only aspire to be as powerful (in the nurturing sense) and beautiful and caring were: “I’m T4T. Trans for Trans. and once you’re T4T you’re never going back.”

and while this person meant it in a romantic and sexual sense, i think for me, someone who is all over romantic, platonic, sexual, queerplatonic, and sensual spectrums and forms of experiencing attraction, this is probably the most ACCURATE description of the type of people that i desire to have intimacy and friendship and closeness with in my life.

and no, that does not mean i am about to cancel all the cis queers and cishets in my life.

but it does mean that i think that i’ve been looking for the kinds of relationships that i want in the wrongs spaces and the wrong people. or maybe not “wrong,” but at least not the most “appropriate” ones.

some of my Black friends are like, Black before anything else. but in a conversation that I had with a Black non-cis person (!!!) we talked about how some cis queer and cishet Black people are the equivalent of the Karens and the white gays that they hate and like to shit on so much, and give us shit for having a white Jewish boyfriend (in their case) or for me spending so much time with “white gays” (when really, it was white trans folk and not the white gays in the sense of the white cis gay men who are like, “i am so discriminated against because of my sexuality” and don’t realize the levels of privilege that they have).

but honest to goodness, i feel safer and comfortable and more at ease with my white trans friends than i have EVER felt with any of my cis friends or Black friends. periodt.

and it really is no accident that my role models, that the people who i call my family and call me fam right back, that the people i first text when shit hits the fan and when i need a hug (virtual ones, these days. lol) or when something super exciting or super mundane or just like, when ANYTHING happens in my life…they are all non-cis people. i can’t believe i didn’t connect the dots earlier.

I love my trans folk, my nonbinary folk, my non-cis folk (and I use non-cis, because for me and some other folk, using English/the language of our colonizers to describe and define our gender feels like an erasure of the histories of our ancestors whose beliefs about gender and gender systems we may never know, or are currently inaccessible to us. I allow people to call me nonbinary because it’s ~somewhat~ understood in a lot of spaces, but i don’t necessarily believe that there was ever a gender binary in the societies of my ancestors. so yeah).

my life has been so DRAINING, my energy levels so DEPLETED and i can’t believe that the only people ive regularly been talking to and feel restorative and safe and protected and even welcomed wherever im at rn…they’re all not cis. wow.

Urban Dictionary: Tran
Nonbinary in the Classroom | Women's Center at UMBC


Here’s a care package ( that a trans friend of mine sent to me when this current manifestation of the abolitionist and anti-racist movement had reached what unfortunately seems like the height of its momentum (or at least, that’s how im perceiving it in this moment) and when my body and soul were in so much pain and i was feeling overwhelmed by that pain in a way that i have never felt before. it really is a beautiful exercise.

anyway. i feel loved. i feel like my love is everywhere just radiating out of my body into…somewhere. and i hope all the baby trans folk out there feel the spiritual hug i am giving all of them rn💜 so, so much love

btw, this person did not create the term T4T they just exposed me to it lol. here’s an article ( about someone explaining their thoughts about T4T and why trans people may specifically seek out other trans people in all kinds of relationships. and as they say, this isn’t to romanticize trans/trans relationships, to ignore the fact that trans/trans relationships are not perfect and can be unhealthy, or to say that trans/cis relationships can’t be healthy and loving. it’s just like, to say that it makes sense that we just wanna be with each other ❤

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